Responding or Reacting! - March 14, 2008 -
One of the most challenging aspects of being a mother is the ability to remain calm and mature in the face of tyranny and lack of reason! When faced with, for example, two-year-old twins having melt downs and a seven-year-old who is happily adding fuel to the fire, it becomes essential not to indulge in the kind of reactivity that is often one’s knee-jerk response.
REACTIVITY
What do I mean by reactivity? Emotional Reactivity has been talked about in many books about relationships, notably Harriet Lerner’s “Dance of Anger” and Hal Edward Runkel’s “Screamfree Parenting”. In a nutshell reactivity is often an habitual reaction that arises when one is provoked into responding by
1. a situation that pushes one buttons, and
2. ONE’S INABILITY TO CONTROL ONE’S RESPONSE.
Reactivity often takes the form of angry, hurtful retorts and even violent responses. Most parents who hit their children do so in a state of reactivity. “I just lost it with him!” is a description of a reactive emotional state. The feeling post-reactivity is often one of shame and regret for losing control and being destructive.
In intimate relationships it is never constructive to argue and fight in an emotionally reactive way. Nasty things get said and the goal when responding like this is to “win the point” or “be right” by hurting the other person. To have the kind of relationship that deepens and becomes more intimate and trusting, it is essential to learn to respond rather than to react.
When it comes to parenting, this skill become critical. Being reactive to one’s kids is damaging to their self-esteem and to their trust in you. It does not teach them anything positive about relationships or managing anger. Understandably, there are times when parents are pushed to their limits and they erupt. When this happens, damage control is necessary. Apologising to one’s children and explaining that this is not their fault is helpful.
It shows them that even though you may have lost control temporarily, you are back in control and able to apologise and get back on track. Because you are calmed enough to be self-REFLECTIVE, they can calm down. Part of the damage control is to reflect on why you lost control. Are you tired, hungry, worried, stressed? Have you reached your limit because you have been ignoring behavior in your children that you should have managed differently? Are they asking for attention because you have been preoccupied and depressed? Do you need help in the form of counseling or babysitting? Do you need time for yourself? Have you been taking care of your own needs enough to parent in calm way? If you have not, then steps need to be taken for you to get back on track with your own self-care.
RESPONDING
So what does it mean to respond rather than react. Responding comes from a different place internally. It requires thoughtfulness and consideration and is in alignment with one’s core beliefs and values. If your parenting values have to do with raising children who can articulate their difficulties without resorting to violence and verbal attacking, then you will try harder to control your own reactivity even in very difficult moments.
Hal Runkel talks much about how parents need to focus most on themselves so that they can calm down and grow up. Calming down requires knowing oneself and taking care of ones needs. Growing up means being the mature one in the house. It means setting limits and boundaries and knowing better than your children why disregarding the boundaries and over-stretching the limits is seldom a good idea.
Responding to your children’s emotional upsets and tantrums from a place of calmness and maturity requires a lot from parents. But in the end, it benefits both you and your children.
Posted by radiantmother 
